Wednesday, October 12, 2011

A dialogue with myself

Over the years I feel I have been reduced to being a shade of myself. On going through my earliest blogs, I complimented myself on being able to write fairly. Maybe I might have done well as an Editor of a Newspaper. Its difficult to get out of one's comfort zone, sometimes I feel vulnerable, lacking in confidence et cetera. Not sure..certainly not sure if this is called getting mature.

Bryan Adams..I remember those lines from his song '18 till I die', why can't I feel like 18 all the time, though I am 34 now almost twice of being 18 as a number for age.

I want to write...I can see a few examples of Amish Tripathi, Chetan Bhagat who successfully transitioned from IIM's to being Bankers and then on to being Authors. But then I was not from IIM. One quality I lack is creativity. I mean over time I have got so conditioned to living others' dreams that I have forgotten to have dreams of my own.

Dreams of my own from the earlier years have all but vanished. I now have to think hard to recollect what I used to be like in my early twenties. I have put over a mask of maturity over my face.

I have forgotten which things used to give me joy. It has been hard to "take it easy". I have to learn doing it all over again.

The Corporate has brainwashed me into a certain kind of behaviour, leadership and all that kind of jargon. Creativity and eccentricity are two sides of the same coin or so I believe. I have stopped being eccentric. After marriage my wife has worked hard to change me from the kind of person I was and now she laments 'you've changed'. I have been accused often of being self centred, stubborn, selfish but that's not the kind of person I was or I would like to believe I am.

So what has really changed....I have been preoccupied with and family which take up a large part of my life. I rediscovered that I used to enjoy writing so I've started taking some baby steps to being the self I was again. Writing is one of the things that I enjoyed and here I am. I know it will be tough initially since I've lost the practise and the touch..but it should not be difficult to get the touch back.

I am attempting to start reconnecting to music as well since I used to enjoy that too. Jagjit Singh's death was a very rude shock.

Really like the awakening happening in India on the issues of Corruption and Black money. Baba Ramdev & Anna ji are doing their bit so that future generations can have a better India and a better quality of life as well as better Governance.

Sometimes I think I should be a CEO, but I do appreciate the kind of pressures that job would carry for oneself. I have turned very averse to taking risks, I am afraid of failures.

Acknowledging that I and all of us have very limited time on this Planet, I sure need to quickly come up with things which I enjoy and also means of contributing to the society in a larger way. Most of the middle class, me included, has been terribly busy with improving the quality of lives of their own ilk and the disparity between those fortunate to be blessed with good education and high paying jobs and those who don't is getting wider all the time in India.

Recall a famous speech from Steve Jobs during a graduation ceremony at Standford in 2005, where he mentioned that its important to connect the dots, though that would be possible only in hindsight. I hope that this life of mine becomes useful to many people instead of just to my employer and family.

I want to bring about a positive change to mankind.

One of the other things I want to improve is my public speaking. With the kind of information and opinions I hold about people and things, I sure should be able to take this forward. Being a good orator is again an important quality a leader needs to possess.

Personally I have been very hesitant, very tentative and holding myself back for no apparent reason most of the times. I have no clue on how to change it. I am better with written words rather than being able to express myself in groups or being someone who holds on his own or someone who can shine above the crowd.

I think a habit of having a regular dialogue with oneself regularly is one good step towards discovering or rediscovering myself.

Signing off for now but will be back soon.


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